It Is What It Is.
Until It Is Not.
Therefore It Is Not What It Is
Until It Becomes What It Was.

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CAKES TOM CARVEL NEVER THOUGHT OF. 1) Dead Dogs Eye cake--dripping with yellow matter custard. 2) TacoTako cake-- filled with black beans and octopus. 3) Funnel Tunnel cake-- with light at the end of it. 4) Strawberry Alarm cake--with incense and peppermints. 5) Cookie Puss-- made from 100% real cats. 6) Black Short Forest cake-- brimming with short toads. 7) Chest 0' Cheese cake-- swiss or gouda. 8) Lucky the Leprechaun--drunken with single malt scotch, lamb, and blood pudding. 9) Obama Bunt cake--filled with empty promises.

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PK has cancelled his speaking engagement at the Society for People with Eleven Toes, but will be signing autographs at the Humans with Two-Livers Foundation.*

*all proceeds will be proceeded to The Bi-Peds Who Slept Through the Evolution of Mankind Organization.

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PK travelled to Easter Island (on Thanksgiving weekend) and discovered behind the right earlobe on the stone-faced statue to the left a message in Binary Code: "0011 0001 1100 00011 01101 1110 1001 00110 110 0000 1111". Upon further research PK deciphered it to be the apparent proposed luncheon menu* for the Ancient Alien Gods Convention on Earth on December 21, 2012.

*gratuity not included.

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DON'T POSTPONE JOY.*
** it is rumored PK has this devastatingly cosmic message tattooed behind his eyebrows.

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PK'S ESSENTIAL SUMMER MUST READ BOOK LIST.
1) Fun with Explosives....By Tim Mcveigh.
2) Cigar Enthusiast....By Monica Lewinsky.
3) Not A Leg To Stand On, (My Divorce From Sir Paul)....By Heather Mills.
4) Beautiful Mulligans....By Tiger Woods.
5) Never Take Risks With a Risk Taker....By Paul Kelpner.
6) I Am Not An Animal: Daily Cosmetic Makeup Tips....By John (The Elephant Man) Merrick.
7) Kneel And Pray My Son....By Pope Benedict.
8) I Don't Like Cocaine, I Just like The Way It Smells....By Mayor Marion Barry.
9) McCauley, Michael And Me....By Mr. Jiggs The Chimp.
10) 3 Minute Meals....By Jeffery Dahmer.

*PK has not received any monetary compensation for his upholding the German Purity Law Reinheitsgebot of 1516.

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"IF WE DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE GOING WE WILL PROBABLY GET THERE".**
** from PK'S new book, "Conversations With a Yeti"
...though applauded for its statistical density, it is not endorsed by the Himalayan Parent Teachers Association due to its 'deeply amusing yet disturbingly accurate account of mankind's descent into an era when the octopus will be the earth's most intelligent creature'.

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CRAZY LITTLE THING CALLED LUST (AT FIRST SIGHT).
So I'm up on stage, down the n.j. shore. Having become romantically involved with Jane With The Exceptional Posterior**, I glance down noticing she is being hit on by a male patron. He proceeds to tell her he is madly in love with her. Jane replies "I'm with the guitar player". He then threatens to shoot me dead on stage and shows her his gun he is packing. I never thought I would need a police escort to my car every night. Maybe I should have stuck with the clarinet.......its safer.

**PK claims to never have used the word 'Wonderful' in all his earth years.

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Jobs I Never Had
1) Paint Taster
2) On -Line Mollusk Shucker
3) Attendant at Colonic Clinic
4) Drive-thru Funeral Director
5) Braille Tarot Card Reader
6) Editor-in-Chief of Goat Monthly Magazine
7) Assistant Toad Handler
8) Car Wash Advisor
9) Wendy's Salad Bar Manager (Night Shift Only)
10) Acme Rocket Sled Repairman
11) Karaoke DJ at a Rest Home.
12) Sea Anemone Trainer.

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"Don't be so sure Ralph, I ain't got no bobby-pins"

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THINGS I HAVE NEVER DONE - BY PK.
I have:
1) NEVER worn a Mickey Mouse t-shirt, farmers' jeans, Converse sneeks, spandex, or a headband.
2) NEVER Danced the Macarena.
3) NEVER played guitar for Milli Vanilli.
4) NEVER asked to see a wine list at White Castle.
5) NEVER learned to speak Ebonics from Rosetta Stone.
6) NEVER used whiskey instead of milk on my cereal.
7) NEVER got a haircut or corn dog at Walmart.
8) NEVER communed with an ugly woman or a gorilla, or an ugly gorilla.
9) NEVER bought a Donny Osmond, Menudo, or Meat Loaf CD.
10) NEVER played Yahtzee while yachting.
11) NEVER drank wine from a box in a plastic cup.
12) NEVER served Jury Duty......sober.
13) NEVER had an anatomically-correct G.I. Joe.
14) NEVER taken a roller coaster ride while on LSD.
15) NEVER put extra butter or mayonnaise on an egg-salad sandwich.

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PK'S UPDATED WEATHER FORECAST:
"6-12 inches of Hickory Smoked Sausage with a 50% chance of Locusts, followed by partial uncertainty along with a light dusting of Elton John."
*PK's forecast has not been approved by NASA, Paula Abdul, Slappy's Wombat Farm, Mama Cass, or the Society of People Who Like to Stare at Sparkly Things.

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The Philippine Tarsier is a tiny animal, measuring about 85 to 160 millimeters (3.35 to 6.30 in) in height makes this one of the smallest primates. The small size makes it difficult to spot. The mass for males is between 80 and 160 grams, usually lighter for females, somewhat heavier than other Tarsius such as the Pygmy tarsier. The average adult is about the size of a human fist and will fit very comfortably in the human hand.

Like all tarsiers, the Philippine Tarsier's eyes are fixed in its skull; they cannot turn in their sockets. Instead, a special adaptation in the neck allows its round head to be rotated 180 degrees. The large membranous ears are mobile, appearing to be almost constantly moving, allowing the tarsier to hear any movement. It has uniquely large eyes (disproportionate to its head and body), which are listed in the Guinness Book of Records as the largest eyes on any mammal. These huge eyes provide this nocturnal animal with excellent night vision.

The Philippine Tarsier has skinny and rough fur which is colored gray to dark brown. The thin tail, usually used for balance, is naked or bald except for a tuft of hair at the end, and is about twice the body length. Its elongated "tarsus," or ankle bone, which gives the tarsier its name, allows it to jump at least three meters from tree to tree without having to touch the ground. Its long digits are tipped with rounded pads that allow T. syrichta to cling easily to trees and to grip almost any surface. The thumb is not truly opposable, but the first toe is. All of the digits have flattened nails, except for the second and third toes, which have sharp claws specialized for grooming

[source: wikipedia.org]

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AUGUST 1977 - "THE KING AND I"
PK says..."Elvis Presley dies today causing a legion of men to don pork chop sideburns, chrome sunglasses, and white capes. me? i'm at the hotel pool, its 3:00 am and i'm skinny dipping with four inebriated females. the buxom blonde decides to dive into the shallow end leaving most of her front teeth on the bottom. frantically leaving taking her nakedness with her, i asked where she was going. her bloodied mouth did not reply. one down three to go....its like having a tip jar at a funeral"...and thats what PK says.

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Gone fishing.

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